I've been 18 for 7 months now and since I found out I was so impatient to turn 18 so I could 'legally' start searching for biological relatives and join Donorlink UK. However, since actually turning 18, I've found that I'm no where near as impatient to start looking and although I have filled out the registration forms to join Donorlink I am no longer in such a rush to send them off and take my DNA test.
Does anyone else feel that with time, you stop worrying or thinking about it all as much? I will never give up hope for finding my family and will always and have always wanted to. I don't know if I believe time is a healer or just whether now I know I can legally start looking I'm not in such a hurry...
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5 Responses to "Does anyone else feel like times a bit of a healer??"
Laura,
I know how you feel. I think often it's the anticipation of something that one cannot actually do, and then once the time comes that you CAN do it it's overwhelming. I think in all the DNA tests I've done there's a certain fear, a fear of a match. I say this because I've had so many negative tests that I do not know how to react to a positive one, and at one point I was terrified that a paternity test with a donor would come back positive and I would not know what to do next. Now, that test did come back negative, but my point is, I think all of us have a hesitance when it comes to that first step.
Good luck, and remember, if there's a match it will still be there when you decide the time is right to join UKDL.
Lindsay
I completely understand that as well. I mean, what exactly are "we" to each other? How do we go about approaching our biological father after 18 years of unknowing and non-social-relationship? How might his wife, partner, social children, parents (your grandparents) and extended family feel about "us"? Will we like who we find? Will they like who we are? Will they welcome us or resent the contact? How will our parents feel about it (and extended family)? This is a huge emotional issue without any road maps and without any guidance or emotional/psychological support. I think there might be a very good argument to require the sperm bank/industry to provide (pay for) some kind of intermediary/ mediation and support to help in this area of contact transition. This is life altering and could potentially be very difficult and/or VERY WONDERFUL for all parties. It might take a few more years or having your own children until you are ready but the important part is that at least you have the choice to know when and if that time comes.
-Karen (also 'donor' conceived)
Hi Laura,
My perspective will be quite different as both my circumstances and situation is quite the opposite of yours - I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts.
I hope that any of the DC children that choose to contact me via the HFEA do so at the earliest time available to them as otherwise I may not be around to meet them! As I donated (and are still a current donor) when I was in my late thirties, assuming I've not shuffled off this mortal coil due to health or an accident ... then I'll be in my late fifties/early sixties when the first meeting takes place. My wife has agreed should the worst happen to share what I was like with anyone who'd like to know about me - though it'd probably be of little consolation.
I'd like to wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do.
Hi Laura,
I was a bit liek you until I had children of my own. It made me take stock of what was important to me and why. From this it gave me a huge sense of urgency to find my kin and my heritage not just for myself but for them also.
Hi Laura-
I'm an adoptee and have been exactly where you are now. What "time" is doing for you right now is allowing you space to process emotions and prepare yourself for your search. The inner work you're doing is what really changes things and heals. It's great that you're engaging in an online community to help you prepare. If you have real-live-folks in your life, or a support group, that's even better.
Everyone has to handle emotional challenges in their own time, on their own terms. The time & space needed is different for everyone. Don't be hard on yourself! I can tell you with complete certainty that if the curiosity and need to know is there, the moment WILL come when you're ready to search. You'll KNOW you're ready. It's still scary, but curiosity and need will get the better of you.
You won't regret searching, no matter what the outcome. I promise. It's the best, most empowering thing an adoptee can do for herself. I'll be wishing the best for you!
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